Have you seen my mojo? No? Me neither.

My mojo seems to have abandoned me, and I have no idea why. I blame IVE, naturally.

So once I made my goal of losing 42 pounds by my 42nd birthday, I promptly proceeded to gain a significant portion of it back over the next few weeks. Not all of it, thank goodness. Not even half. Less than a third.

13 pounds. I gained back 13 pounds. Only 6 of that is fat, according to that painful weigh-in. But still.

QuietDemonsYou should hear IVE singing. Quite for a little while, she is quite pleased with herself, and with me for proving her right. She’s always there, just waiting for me to screw up, delighted when I do.

In my last post, I talked about taking a running start and leaping off the weight-loss wagon. It’s an apt description. And I’m still running to catch up with the damn wagon.

Actually, it feels more like I’m stumbling dejectedly behind it. I haven’t been able to figure it out, but I’m just not motivated. With my mojo MIA, I’ve allowed myself to return to some old bad habits. While said habits are easy, they make me feel like crap.

Somebody close to me asked what he could do to motivate me. The answer, unfortunately, is nothing. It’s not up to him to motivate me. That’s my job, and as much as he would like to, he can’t do it for me.

I was so disciplined when I started this. Now I am less so. While I’m still significantly down from where I started, I am in danger of going back there. I suppose that’s always a danger, but it’s not acceptable.

Break bad habitsI simply cannot let it happen, even if I have reverted to some old habits.

Perspective is a funny thing. The first time I was at this weight a couple of months ago, it was something to be celebrated. I was thrilled. Now? Decidedly less so.

I’m trying to focus on the positive, but it’s surprisingly difficult. I can’t make myself cheer for the 32 pounds I’ve shed since May. Overall, that’s a success.

But it’s not enough.

I’ve since dropped 1.5 of those regained 13 pounds and am again inchingĀ in the right direction.

I also had a frank discussion with Jaime, the medical assistant. Based on what we talked about, I did a reevaluation of myself and where I am right now and decided to make a few adjustments to my second milestone goal.

Originally I wanted to lose another 20 pounds by the first of the year. At this point, that is not realistic.

Although I love the holidays, I am one of those who fights the holiday blues. That’s been the case for years. I just now figured out why (It seriously just hit me.), but that’s a revelation for another time.

I digress. Shocking, I know.

So, I love the holidays, but I have to actively try to enjoy them. It’s not just a given that holidays equal happy for me.

That said, the last thing I need is to put extra pressure on myself. To be brutally honest, losing more than 30 pounds (the 10+ I’m still up plus the goal 20) in six weeks is not only a major stretch, I don’t think it would be particularly healthy.

YouBigFattySo here’s the deal. Rather than be disappointed every week and spiraling into a pit of depression (I’m already back to avoiding mirrors because IVE is channeling Nigel in “The Replacements.”), I’ve decided that a new current goal is in order. I’m not throwing out the old one. Just pushing it back a bit.

The new goal is to maintain my weight through the first of the year. After that, I will buckle down and drop that 20 pounds by the time I go to China (did I mention that?) in early March.

If I do that — when I do that — I will have lost more than 60 pounds, and hopefully, I will be able to face the mirror again. Won’t that be something to look forward to?!

IVE whispers in my ear that this is recasting of my goals is a failure. But I don’t think she’s right.

I think it’s positive that I recognize that I’m struggling and make deliberate, albeit small, achievable changes to turn it around, even if it does mean going a little slower that I had planned.

Slow and steady wins the race, right?

Mindfulness. Little victories. Together they will get me where I want — where I’m meant — to go.

I can do thisI even have something of a game plan. I’m going to continue with the weekly weigh-ins to maintain accountability and to make sure I don’t slide any further off the rails. No more pushing appointments, avoiding Tanita.

Life happens, and it definitely has its ups and downs. I’m just going to ride the wave and try my best not to wipe out.

Take that, IVE!