At this point, it should come as no surprise that half of my clothes are too large while the other half remain too small. I call it the in-between.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining. It’s not exactly a bad problem to have, and honestly it’s one of my own making.

I refuse to buy clothes that I hopefully will shrink out of sooner rather than later. It seems like a waste.

But continuing to wear clothes that are too large is fraught with peril on a couple of levels.

First, I feel like I’m flirting with an imminent wardrobe malfunction almost every day. My favorite jeans fell off a couple of weeks ago. Literally. They fell off. I was walking across my living room and damn near tripped myself. Thank goodness I was at home and not at work. Of course, that didn’t stop me from furtively looking around to see if anyone saw me. (It is the age of YouTube, after all.)

FigaroThere was just one witness, Figaro, and he got a good laugh out of it. (For those of you who do not know, Figaro is my cat. He finds me endlessly entertaining.)

The other inherent risk in hanging on to clothes that are too large is that said clothes seem like they’re almost inviting me to indulge in bad habits. My jeans are plenty loose right now, so nobody will notice if I pick up a pound or two. Two becomes four becomes ten becomes… Well, you get the idea.

I’m trying to stay on the straight and narrow, but I find myself struggling a bit lately. I’m completely craving things that are on the no-no list. I know they’re just cravings, that I’m not actually hungry, but that does not help much.

I’m also battling my oft-encountered penchant for self-sabotage. I’ve only recently come to see it for what it is. The decisions that brought me to this point were not necessarily conscious ones, but somewhere in my head a part of me always knew what I was doing. While those decisions seemed like a good idea at the time — a fool-proof self-defense plan — they were ultimately destructive.

While I’m pretty sure I weigh less now than I have in years — probably a decade or so — I’ve been in this place before. I’ve lost weight. I’m looking and feeling better. (There, I said it!) Now is about the time I start getting lazy, for lack of a better word. I look back at what I’ve accomplished, rather than forward at what is still to do and the good things waiting for me.

As I said, self-sabotage.

An old article in “Psychology Today” calls self-sabotage “the enemy within.”

Whether you describe it as getting in your own way or shooting yourself in the foot, everybody does it at some point in his or her life. Some of us more than others.

“Self-sabotaging behavior results from a misguided attempt to rescue ourselves from our own negative feelings.”

It’s like the authors of this September 2011 article know me!

“Behavior is self-sabotaging when in attempting to solve or cope with a problem, it instigates new problems, interferes with long-term goals, and unsettles relationships.”

Seriously, though, I do not recall being interviewed for that piece.

I hope that recognizing this place in my journey — this place I’ve been before — will help me to continue forward rather than making a U-turn.

Chocolate cakeI don’t want to do that, but it seems so easy. And chocolate cake sounds really good right about now.

So I guess the key here is not only understanding these cravings for what they are (check), but also figuring out what’s causing them (um…). Based on the crickets echoing in my head, that is going to be the most difficult step.

I know what you’re thinking.

“God, woman! Get yourself to a therapist! Like yesterday!”

You’re right. You’re right. I know you’re right.

That’s a trigger I have yet to pull. After so many years of repression and denial about how I’ve used my past to justify my present, I don’t think there’s any way I can sort it all out on my own.

I have an amazing support system in my family, my friends, my work family (that’s what they are) and other people who are on roads parallel to mine. But it might be time to add somebody to my team, a neutral third party who has no agenda.

I feel like I’m at a tipping point and could use a little guidance to navigate the maze and regain the momentum.

I have a goal to meet, and the deadline will be here before I know it, which makes me a prime target for IVE (my inner voice of evil). That bitch is having a field day with me right now and is firmly of the opinion that I should have not just a slice of chocolate cake, but the whole damn thing. She’s just waiting for me to fail. Which I guess means I’m waiting for me to fail. (That’s deep, right?)

I need to find my way forward, but I feel like somebody has blindfolded me, spun me around and set me loose. I’m not entirely certain which way is forward, and I’m terrified I’ll walk into a dead end. Or worse, go back the way I came.

Diesel the box-loving English Bulldog knows this feeling all too well. Poor guy can’t see where he’s going because he refuses to give up his box lid. Self-sabotage! But he definitely gets points for persistence and determination.

PS. There’s a prize (a $20 Amazon card) for the first person who pipes up (comments here on the blog) with the correct movie reference — actress and movie title. My mom and sister are excluded. They’ll know it right off the bat.